Sharpen up on your stalker skills today! 

"Don't Know Why, I Love You Like I Do... Must Be Those Strange Things You Put Me Through" - Reverend Al Green

As a foreigner in Prague I know it can be very hard to understand the rules of "the game" at first. This is why I wrote this small article on how to catch the prey in Prague for newly arrived Americans and English-speaking people from unimportant nations.

It is actually quite easy to get the relationship started if you follow my easily comprehensible 9-step plan. In numerology 9 is the universal number for luck, and this plan will help you get lucky (He! He! Well, enough joking around. Let us get serious.)

1. The first thing you have to do is to pinpoint which women have interest in you.

This is the easy part. There are many ways to recognize attention from women. I.e. you are sitting in an empty tram. A woman you find attractive comes and sits in a seat in front of you. This might very well be a sign that she wants you. Or perhaps if you are in a club and a woman asks you for a lighter. The important thing is that you choose your prey and stick to her. Women hate men who do not know what they want. But do not; I repeat do not talk to her yet.

2. Now is the next step. You must find out where she lives.

The easiest way to do this is to follow her. It might take a couple of hours before she eventually goes home. But this is all a part of the package. Women love that you put a lot of effort into conquering them. Even if she does not know yet all the suffering you went through following her, you can always impress her later on with it. Bring a small notebook and write down the name and number of her street (Czech street names are always so hard to remember).

Also make some notes of where she went before she got home and at which times. A mistake most beginners make, is that the apartment building she entered is not actually where she lives.

She might just be visiting. What I usually do is to watch over the building for several hours after she entered. Use common sense; if she entered the building! at 18:00 and has not left at 5:00, it is quite a big possibility that she lives here. My advice is simply "Bring a thermos and a Discman". You should during this stage casually bump into her. Introduce yourself as a tenant in the apartment building and get her full name.

3. Now the fun stuff begins. Get at camera with a powerful zoom lens.

If you have a friend who is a photographer, you can always ask him to borrow you the equipment you need. Use your previous notes and calculate when you think she might leave her home. Wait outside her building until she appears and get several good shots of her around the city. Also make notes on what she was doing and at which time.

If you should happen to find out where she works or studies you have really struck gold. The pictures are perfect for making a small alter dedicated to her. Make it in your apartment in order to keep yourself focused at the task at hand. At this point she might notice you, and even call the police on you. Do not worry too much about this. Women are always a little bit fussy in the beginning. Later on you will break the ice between you.

4. It is not yet the time to approach her.

A fisherman does not pick up the fish with his bare hands, but he uses several different tools in order to make the catch. What you must do is to bring some romance into her life. If you during your investigations should happen to find out she has a boyfriend or is married, do not worry too much about it. Just truly believe you are more interesting and handsome than her spouse or whatever, and she will notice the confidence glowing from you.

The best thing is to start sending her letters, which explains the love you feel for her. That she makes you feel mushy in your knees and that you think about her day and night. Also put in you have had several dreams about her after you met her.

If you have the possibility, try to go through her mail when she has left her building in order to gather information about her l! ife. Simply use the steam from a kettle in order to nicely open the letters. Photocopy them. Then put the mail back into her mailbox. It is very important to show some interest in her everyday life.

Excerpts from some of my own letters:

"So I found out your son goes to the kindergarten in. I love kids."

"I saw you got a phone bill for 1908,40 CzK. I also love talking on the phone. Perhaps I should give you a call one day. I have your number."

"Who is this Petr guy? He keeps sending you lots of letters. Shall I pay him a visit in order to make him stop bothering you?"

Do not sign the letters with your real name. Sign them "Your secret admirer and future husband". Leave a couple of the pictures you took of her in the envelope.

5. After a couple of weeks with the letters and general "surveillance", you should start making the first contact.

If you have the chance, approach her at work. The first meeting is always best to set up in a public place. However, if you have the opportunity to enter her building and ring her doorbell, this could also work. You will have to bring a gift to prove your love. Women these days do not like getting the classical gifts like flowers, chocolate, perfume, CDs etc.

You must bring something you know she will find useful. Even though you should not bring her gifts, which are commonly viewed as feminine, the gifts should still be a tribute to womanhood. Examples are tampons, shampoo or perhaps a big bag of groceries. Give her your gift as you tell her who you are and that you love her. Then leave immediat! ely. The ice is not broken yet.

6. Just like you and me, females are sexual beings.

Now is the time to entice her sexually. You must start leaving pornographic magazines (easy to acquire in Prague) at her doorstep. Remember to write, "I want to marry you" on each magazine. 2 or 3 days with this routine, and she will soon be so horny that you can go for the kill. I have seen lots of girls download porn from the web in the computer lab at my school. Females get off on that kind of stuff. Be the hunter! Be confident!

7. By now you should have gotten her phone numbers. Use them.

This is the correct timing. If you should happen to call before these stages of the relationship, it might be considered too pushy. Start calling her at work, and tell her what you want to do to her. Be sure to make heavy breathing sounds in order to entice her even more. Be creative in your desires. Women find ordinary sex boring.

Then later on start calling her home number at around midnight and ask if you can make a visit. When you make this last call, do not mention sex at all. It will just scare her off. Tell her that you are crazy about her and need to share some time with her. Women love feeling wanted. If she hangs up, call her every fifth minute until she accepts your proposal to meet. At this point, the relationship has gone too far. You are the hunter; you cannot let a wounded anim! al wander off into the woods. The only humane thing is to finish the job!

8. If she should have the audacity not wanting to meet with you (if she starts not picking up), you must start to play the game a little differently.

Start hanging dead animals outside her building. Take pictures of them, and mail them to her. If she has a cat or something fluffy, you should try to catch it. Cut it into several pieces and mail them to her one by one. Some women love men who behave a little bit ruggedly. It awakes their maternal instinct. It also awakes her primal instincts, showing her you are a good hunter, and can provide for her.

9. Wait outside her building until you see her leave in the morning.

Confront her and ask why she does not want to be with you. And tell her you will not leave her alone until you have had intercourse with her. Be aggressive. Be a man. Be strong. Women always respect this. By now the ice should be broken, and she will accept the proposal of wild and passionate sex. And this concludes my 9-step scheme to get some booty!

Next month I will write a follow up article called "If you leave me, I'll kill you!". It will contain useful information on sporting goods departments in Prague, which carries high quality baseball bats at reasonable prices.